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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015052">Here</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Some Humor, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Smoking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:28:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,475</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015052</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about a boy who struggles to find the meaning in life. He sits alone wondering what his may be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji &amp; Katsuragi Misato, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Fanfic Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I plan on updating as frequently as possible. Tags will be updated as the story follows. </p><p>Feel free to leave any criticism in the comments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shinji doesn't feel much, and preferably he'd rather keep things this way</p><p>He doesn't feel much after receiving the news about his mother who, just recently passed away. Rather, he feels nearly bothered when attending the funeral services.</p><p>He doesn't feel much even after his father gives him a beating, reminding him of what an absolute failure he is; how he'll never amount to much in life because he's a worthless, good-for-nothing sack of shit.</p><p>Even the murmurs coming from his classmates aren't enough to stir much within him. He's used to it anyway. Words become meaningless after a while.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The train ride home is long and lonely. He overhears a conversation between two girls discussing which high schools they're interested in attending. It's a consideration Shinji hasn't even thought about.</p><p>The reality of things is that he'll more than likely end up attending one that's on the bottom of the list. With his lousy grades, no decent school would want him. His expectations are low.</p><p>Shinji wishes there was a part of him willing to try a little harder, perhaps things would be slightly better if he did. Then again, that's too much of an effort. He feels that living on is just so tiring and painful. He lives a dull and repetitive life. He wonders sometimes, what the meaning of it might be. He wishes someone would be there for him, to fill the deep void within his heart.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The darkness begins to cover the sky. Shinji sits quietly on his bed, staring out the window. This is considered therapeutic to him, witnessing the sky drain of its color, fading into something much darker.</p><p>He pulls the sleeve of his sweater up, revealing what lays underneath it. Two weeks. Two weeks since he's had his last 'fix.' Apparently, feeling physical pain is better than feeling nothing at all. He's been doing this for years now. What started off as something done out of curiosity quickly developed into an addiction whenever he needed it. It was something that could easily be done, something that'll provide some relief, even it was deemed as 'pathetic.'</p><p>He wonders how his father would react if he knew. His guess was that he'd more than likely be shipped away somewhere for treatment. It'll be like getting rid of a heavy load for his father. He briefly thinks about ending his life, but comes to the conclusion that he'd never build up the courage to try. A dry laugh escapes from him.</p><p>
  <em>Ah, what a wuss I am. Not once can I accomplish a single thing. I can't even make a proper attempt to end my life. </em>
</p><p>That laughter is quick to turn into sobbing. </p><p>No matter how many times he tells himself to stop, he finds himself unable to do so. The tears keep coming, until he finds himself feeling exhausted. From there, sleep comes to him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The school day comes and goes, as expected. Shinji gathers his belongings and makes his way over to the staircase. He sees a few students gathered together, discussing what they've learnt in class, what things they'll be doing over the weekend. A slight feeling of jealousy consumes him. The desire to have some kind of friend... to have someone to speak with, it's... too much. He clenches his fist tightly. The thought of him having a friend is obscure. No one so much bothers to look at him. </p><p>As he miserably makes his way out of the building, he notices a girl his age sitting near the corner of the exit. A lit cigarette is sitting between her fingers. Stunned, he wonders how she has access to them. The last time he checked, middle school students were not of the legal age to smoke. She seems unfamiliar, he doesn't recognize her fiery, long hair. At this point, he realizes he's been staring at her for a while, how embarrassing. </p><p>He begins to walk away, he shouldn't associate with people like that. Not that they'd be willing to anyway. </p><p>The sight of the lit cigarette reminds Shinji of the times his father would stub his cigarettes out on him as a form of punishment. He sniffles, feeling the tears well up in his eyes once again. </p><p>
  <em>Stop crying! There's no need for that right now. </em>
</p><p>He quickly pulls himself together, making his way over to the train station. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The water in the bathtub is scorching hot. Shinji likes it this way, it feels... more relaxing. He brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. This feels nice, it's almost as if... someone is hugging him. He wishes to have someone who'd do that with him. He's never been hugged by anyone before. Small signs of affection would be enough to please him. But he reminds himself, how unlovable he truly is. He takes a glance at the razor sitting next to him. No, it's only been two weeks. He can hold off on that.</p><p>
  <em>Love is just a delusion. It'll never happen to someone like you. Hell, you're not even capable of loving yourself! Who would want someone as miserable as you? You're better off dead, stop making excuses... just try it already. You've got nothing to lose. </em>
</p><p>Shinji swallows thickly. The weight of his chest feels heavy, and he can feel tears beginning to prick at his eyes. It always ends with this, the crying is so childish. He's supposed to be better than this. Crying over trivial issues instead of solving them... how sad and... laughable. </p><p>Shinji dips his head underwater, the lack of oxygen begins to burn his lungs. If he truly had the courage, he'd allow the water to fill them. But, like always, he gives up. Pulling his head from the water, he begins gasping for air. What a pathetic move that was. He picks up the razor with slippery fingers, and without hesitation, drags it across the inner portion of his arm. Pain, and then relief. Two weeks clean down the drain, why did he bother counting anyway?</p><p> </p><p>An hour passes, Misato said she'd be out late tonight. He can't say he likes her much, but having a little bit of company is nice. Although, knowing that your father dumped you to live with a family friend it... hurts a bit. He sometimes longs to have a better relationship with his father, although it's something that will never happen. </p><p>He takes a look through the fridge. Nothing good, Misato didn't even bother going grocery shopping last week. Cans of beer however, sit in a neat stack on the door. He takes one, cracking it open. Supposedly alcohol was supposed to fill your head with a pleasant haze. Shinji wonders how effective this will be as he raises the can to his lips. The taste is awful, it makes his stomach churn with disgust. But he forcefully swallows the liquid. Isn't this what most teenagers do anyway? But... at parties and such, with each other. </p><p>Shinji realizes that drinking alone will be the most he'll ever have. He reaches for the sleeping aids in the counter above him. He takes three of them, and swallows. He knows it's not advisable to do that, but the affects wouldn't be enough to take his life. He pops another before throwing himself onto his bed. Feeling drowsy, he shuts his eyes. He wishes he'd never have to open them again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Less Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shinji has never enjoyed school. To him, it all was nothing more than a waste of time. Eight hours of pure misery spent sitting in a disgusting classroom filled with people he was almost sure hated him. The reason behind this was quite evident. No normal person would willingly put themselves to engage in a conversation with such a loser. As if he was able to converse with them anyway.</p><p>The part he hated the most was when the teachers would call on him, asking questions he didn't know the answers to. From there came the mockery, and the cold and silent stare given by his teachers. Unlike some students, he was never exceptionally good at any of his subjects. The majority of his grades were borderline failures. Sitting in class today was no different than it had been yesterday. A daily routine. A repetitive one. Shinji wonders why he gets up for this. </p><p>He stares silently at the clock as the seconds pass by. The unfamiliar red-headed girl he had seen the other day strolls into the classroom late. When asked why, she mumbles some poor excuse which was probably made up within the few minutes she had spent walking down the hall. She takes the seat a few spaces away from him. A faint smell of cigarette smoke could be smelled. <em>Such a nasty habit to have, and at such a young age too. </em>Shinji thinks. He wonders what satisfaction comes from smoking those things. They're advertised as unhealthy products which could lead to fatal health issues, yet people ignore the warnings.</p><p>He spends a few minutes staring at the girl until she finally looks back at  him. A small sneer spreads across her face. <em>Unfriendly, noted.  </em></p><p> </p><p>The lunch period arrives. Shinji doesn't eat anything during this time. He feels it is an unnecessary action. He wonders if the excessive meal skipping has spiraled into something much more serious, a possible eating disorder. It isn't that he's afraid of eating, but feels he doesn't deserve it. It doesn't satisfy him anyway. </p><p>He spends his lunch periods alone. Not once has he sat with anyone. No one has willingly asked to eat lunch with him. It's fine, he thinks. Things are better this way. Not having anyone to sit with means not being forced to hold a conversation for those few minutes away from the classroom. He's used to this, being alone. According to some articles he's read, being a loner comes with many benefits. They say that loners usually live successful lifestyles. He wonders if this could possibly apply to him in the future. He doubts so. Realistically speaking, he probably won't be alive within a year or so.</p><p>He giggles softly, thinking of the reaction Misato would have if she were to find his dead body somewhere in their apartment. How she'd scream, possibly cry. This fantasy is then interrupted when a person places their lunch tray in front of him. Stunned, Shinji looks up only to see the same girl from earlier sitting down. <em>What is this? Why is she here? Should I say something? Question why of all places she chose to sat with me? I... I'm curious. I'm going to ask, politely of course. Don't say anything stupid now.</em></p><p>Shinji clears his throat before speaking. "Hello", he says softly in a voice so quiet it would be shocking to know anyone had heard him. The girl gives no response, picking only at her food without any eye contact. <em>Try again, speak with confidence. </em>He fumbles briefly with his fingers before speaking up again. "I... I was just wondering why you've decided to sit with me. No one has ever... no one has ever sat with me before, haha." Shinji cringes internally thinking of how awful that last line had sounded. With the way he's speaking, she'll leave within a few minutes.</p><p>Still no response. He sighs before trying again. "I noticed that you're in the same class as I am! Have you transferred recently? Where did you originally go?" The girl puts down her fork. "They kicked me out. They kicked me out of that shithole I was previously in. I was 'too aggressive', apparently. I'm only here out of obligation, and I'm sitting with you purely because everyone else seems to have sticks shoved up their asses." Shinji couldn't help but giggle at that last line. The girl only stares blankly at him without a smile cracking across her face. He wants to ask for her name, but decides not to because he fears he will only embarrass himself once again. <em>I hate speaking. I sound so awful, and I always say such stupid things. It's better for me to remain silent at all times. </em></p><p>It was as if she had read his mind before stating her name. "Asuka Langley Soryu", she says.</p><p>"Shinji Ikari", he says in response. She nods without saying anything. Shinji feels the tiniest bit of joy after this brief engagement. He feels less alone. He wonders if she will sit with him again tomorrow, or perhaps on a daily basis. No, that wouldn't happen. <em>Don't get your hopes up. </em>The bell rings, calling the students back to their classrooms. Shinji parts with Asuka, saying goodbye as they part for the remainder of the school day. He walks to his classroom with the tiniest bit of confidence. He hopes to sit with her again tomorrow, even if they don't say anything to each other. It's... sitting in someone's presence that he finds enjoyable. It's knowing you're not alone which makes him feel less shitty. He felt proud of himself even for such a brief interaction. </p><p> </p><p>Classes are quick to come to an end. Shinji follows behind his schoolmates trailing out of the building. On his way out, he spots Asuka in the same spot she had been in just the other day. A cigarette is held between her fingers. Shinji cringes at the sight of this. Why hasn't anyone said anything? She puts out the remainder of the cigarette against the wall walking up to him. "What? Do you want one?" Shinji hesitates. He thinks about those advertisements he had seen on television on how harmful those things are. He also thinks about the possible friendship he could form with this girl. If he refuses, she might not like him. <em>Just say yes and stop being such a retard. You'll never get far in life if you allow the trivial things to bother you. </em></p><p>Reluctantly, he says yes. She shakes the pack giving one to him along with the little black lighter she had in her pocket. "Do you at least know how to light it?" Shinji shakes his head. She does it for him, and he inhales. The taste of the smoke is nearly as awful as the smell. He coughs on the first inhalation immediately regretting what he had just done. "Clearly you've never done this, that's such a newbie reaction. I'll see you tomorrow." She says as she walks past him.</p><p>Shinji holds the cigarette a few inches away from his face before inhaling again. The taste is god-awful, but a small feeling of adrenaline rushes through his system. He feels calmer. He finishes the entire thing, leaving behind nothing but the taste of ashes on his tongue. He makes his way to the train station from there, feeling slightly better about himself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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